Every hour I need You

This is one of those nights.

October is filled with many.

Life is filled with too many.

It is past 2 AM.

Here I lay on the couch in the playroom, still in my clothes from the day, teeth not brushed, no blanket or pillow, tears pouring from my eyes, my lungs gasping for breath.

Is this really my life?

Is this still really my life?

Did I really hold my daughter as her heart stopped beating?

Did I really kiss her casket?

Yes.

The answer is always yes.

WHY IS THE ANSWER ALWAYS YES?

Why is this MY LIFE?

Why can’t I hold her?

Smell her?

KNOW her?

Do other parents even know? Know what a blessing it is just to KNOW their children?

This is one of those nights.

One of those nights I sit in anguish and torment.

Wishing for the days I thought were my hardest.

Desperate for the medications, the therapies, the appointments, the dairy allergy, the visiting nurse, the calorie counts, the SAT readings, the worry, the fear.

How messed up is that?

Imiss the fear.

People say it gets easier.

They should stop saying that.

No one in the history of this universe has ever been the mom to my Sylvia except for me.

This is one of those nights.

I think I will always have these nights.

My only comfort is while I know I’ll always have these nights, I know I will always have the promise that I will see her again.

For every tear I shed, for every shallow breath I take, for every flashback that drowns me and question that angers me, my Savior has bled and redeemed.

He has redeemed me from my sin and He will reunite me with my daughter.

Does it still hurt?

Yes.

It is going to hurt forever.

But it will stop hurting once eternity starts.

I am doing all I can to hold on.

Until then…

“I need you, Lord I need you…Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness. Oh God, how I need you.”

https://youtu.be/gS9e0nxHP-w

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On why your birth did not heal me: a birthday love letter to my son

Baby boy,

A year ago today, I walked into a hospital, knowing that in hours you would be in my arms.

Just eleven months prior, I had walked out of a hospital, without your sister in my arms.

There are so few words to describe how I feel today. But you deserve my very best try.

Those two pink lines three months after your sister went to heaven were certainly a surprise. Of course there were moments your daddy and I talked about the possibility, about when we might be ready enough…brave enough…healed enough.

We prayed about it, spoke to doctors about it, expressed our thoughts to a therapist about it.

People had opinions. They always do.

But we gave it to God, expecting He’d tell us when we were ready.

Because people have opinions, but God has a plan.

The truth is, He was never going to tell us our hearts were ready.

Instead, He told us when He was ready.

And He told us the day I saw those two pink lines.

In that moment, I wondered what God was thinking. What was this plan? Hadn’t I just come to the conclusion I wasn’t ready and asked Him to tell me when I was?

And then September 13th, 2017 arrived.

You arrived.

And everything made sense.

So many people asked during my pregnancy if looking forward to your arrival helped the pain of losing Sylvia.

With loving and curious hearts, they wondered if the promise of you was beginning to heal the loss of her.

I understand why they asked.

But if I’m honest?

The answer is no.

Being pregnant with you did not lessen the ache of being without her.

Feeling your kicks did not negate the sting of remembering when her little feet were in my belly.

Anticipating your arrival did not give me peace about her departure.

You do not make me feel better about losing Sylvia.

You are no replacement for her.

Because you, my son, are YOU.

You were fearfully and wonderfully made.

You will not take her place because you have your own place to take.

You will not fill her shoes because your feet are different and need shoes of their own.

You were made for a purpose and that purpose is not to heal the pain into which you were born.

Your purpose is not to make it better.

Your purpose is not to fix me.

There will never be anything or anyone this side of heaven able to ease the pain of losing Sylvia. If there was, what an unfair pressure that would put on everyone in my life. On Daddy. On Lillian. On you.

You are not responsible for my healing anymore than you’re responsible for my grief.

I am wholly, desperately, gratefully, genuinely in absolute love with you, and not because you made my loss easier, but because you’ve made my life richer.

I am thankful to our merciful Father that He has given me the gift of you.

No, you do not take my pain away.

But, baby boy, you give me joy.

You can’t heal my wounds, but you strengthen my steps.

You can’t dry my tears, but you make me laugh.

You can’t erase the haunting of the past, but you make me excited for the future.

I will always be Sylvia’s mom. And that part of me will always mourn.

But as much as I am wholly hers, I am wholly yours.

Your place in my heart belongs to you and you alone.

On this day, I grieve her.

On this day, I celebrate you.

I love you, Rowan. I’m so thankful for you. My little man cub, my Bubba, my son.

Happy Birthday

Love,

Mamamaa

Love One Another

I had so much fun taking my Bestie on a birthday outing today. We made pallet board signs which was so lovely and time well spent.

I chose this board because as I continue on this journey as a grieving mom, I’ve realized that love is the most complex simplicity there is.

Love is truly the only thing humans can do for one another that lasts, not only in this lifetime, but the next as well.

Every single person you encounter needs love.

Because every single person you encounter is hurt.

Some more than others, some more brutally than others, some more often than others…but every single one is hurt.

Think about that.

Every. Single. One.

If we were to simply carry that in the back of our minds as we do each day, maybe, just maybe, we could all have a little more empathy for the people around us.

Empathy begets love.

We are, after all, just trying to do our best, living in the same world…a very difficult, harsh world.

That makes us neighbors.

“One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, ‘Of all the commandments, which is the most important?’

‘The most important one,’ answered Jesus, ‘is this: Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.

The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself.

There is no commandment greater than these.”

Mark 12:28-31

It doesn’t have to be complicated.

Be patient. Be kind. Be others’ cheerleader. Be humble. Be polite. Be selfless. Be level-headed. Be forgiving. Be truthful.

Protect. Trust. Hope. Persevere.

Love one another.

Why did you let her fly away?

This girl’s main summer goal was to hold a butterfly.

I was so happy it happened today.

Lilly’s entire demeanor changed the second I put that butterfly on her finger.

Her smile was bigger, her giggle was louder, and even her voice grew higher.

For just a few, short moments, she gazed upon a genuinely beautiful piece of God’s creation.

“I’m gunna name her Maya!”

Those moments were precious. They were whimsical. All was well.

But then it was time to let the butterfly go.

The tears.

“Why did you let her fly away?

I love her!

She’s so beautiful!

I want her to live with me forever!

I will miss her too much!”

And suddenly, as I looked into my beautiful daughter’s hazel eyes filled with tears, I saw my own.

And I heard my voice. Talking to God.

About my Sylvia.

This is the same exact conversation I have with Him every day.

Anger. Confusion. Regret. Despair. Repeat.

The parallels don’t stop there, of course. Obviously the butterfly has a life better lived apart from us. Sylvia is enjoying perfection as the Lord intended in heaven.

It’s far better for her.

But it breaks us.

This is the curse of being a sinner and saint. We have hope and joy in the reunion to come.

But the wait hurts. Oh, it hurts.

I told Lilly we would see Maya again. And of course, one of the loveliest parts of being a child is the ability to look forward to things that aren’t actually real.

We will see Maya again. Maya will be any and every Monarch Butterfly who comes to Schuetz Farms for as long as she wants it to be.

Adulthood mostly sucks.

But.

Being a Christian adult allows me to revert to the same hope of a child, one whose faith informs her facts and not the other way around.

The fact is, the next time I see Sylvia she will be MY Sylvia. The very same one I named. The same one I held in my womb, in my arms for too-short if a time, and will hold again.

The very same Sylvia He formed and saved.

Fly well, Maya. We will see some form of you again soon.

Save a seat for me, Sylvie. Your mama is coming.

THE SCHUETZ TROUP IS GOING ON VACATION!

You guys.

We haven’t been on a family vacation in a long time.

To be honest, we have never been on a “family” vacation.

Lilly was born and we were caught up in a whirlwind of new parenting, I was still teaching, and then I got pregnant with Sylvia

We kept saying, “the summer after the new baby is born we will go.”

Well. The summer after she was born was the summer she’d end up on life support, waiting for a heart transplant.

I kept telling Evan that after she got her heart and we got home, we were going to take the most amazing vacation and celebrate the blessing of more time with her.

After we came home without her in our arms, I couldn’t even bring my heart to consider something like that.

It felt wrong.

One of the worst parts of being a grieving family is that every single thing that excites you also makes you profoundly sad.

But it’s time.

Lilly is almost four and a half and is in a beautiful stage of starry-eyed appreciation for the world around her. She’s seen more hurt in her short life than most ever will, and she needs to make happy memories alongside the sad.

Rowan is the easiest-going baby and is just happiest being with his people, so traveling with him is something to which I look forward.

Evan and I need to exhale, together, somewhere else.

We need the time together, away, never forgetting Sylvia and always keeping her with us in our hearts, but also allowing ourselves the opportunity to enjoy a “normal family” activity as well as we can.

After reading some of my writing and hearing of Sylvia’s story, a beautiful, family-owned beach resort in mideastern Michigan offered us a stay in one of their luxury apartments right on Lake Huron.

The interaction I’ve had with the owners already has left me feeling so taken care of, and we aren’t even there yet!

Sam and Nada are a married couple and proud parents of twin boys, who took over Crystal Sands Beach Resort in 2014. Upon purchase, they poured their hearts into its renovation. The results are astounding and I can’t wait to see the beauty in person. The pictures alone make me not want to ever leave!

Their passion for property and commitment to their guests’ experience is already evident and I can’t wait to meet them, hug them, and thank them for this opportunity for our family.

These are a few pictures from their official Facebook page and I am so excited to share some of my own while we are there. I’ll be sharing parts of our experiences throughout our trip.

Thank you so much, Sam and Nada! We can’t wait to be your guests in August!

You are Safe in My Heart

Caleb + Kelsey are a dynamic singing duo. A wife and husband team, they use their God-given talents to cover both secular and Christian songs.

Their music is beautiful. I first discovered them when a video of their immaculate mash-up of “Oceans” and “You Make Me Brave” popped up in my Facebook Newsfeed. These are two songs to which I’ve particularly clung both during Sylvia’s life and in the aftermath of her loss.

It only took a few seconds into the song and I was so thankful for the Spirit’s inspiration given to them to share their love for music in this form.

There are so many songs that mean more to me as a grieving mother than they ever did before. I have found songs I’ve known for years and to which I’d never give much thought have now taken on a brand new meaning. As I frequently put it, “they’ve become about Sylvia.”

One song I never thought would hold such deep meaning for me is Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

Before Sylvia, those first few, instantly recognizable notes would evoke images of icebergs, a gaudy diamond, and Rose and Jack clinging to to the door of a wardrobe.

But then I heard it for the first time as a grieving mother.

It came on automatically one day while listening to Caleb + Kelsey’s Spotify channel. I was on my way to therapy, without the kids, and blaring their music as loudly as I could, both in praise to the Lord and also as a sort of “screw you” to Satan because he always likes to mess with me on my way to get the help I need.

My instinct was to skip to the next song because I wasn’t really in the mood for an internal Titanic montage, but something stopped me.

And before I knew it, I was parked on the side of I-75, bawling, listening to a song that I never thought would affect me emotionally, and all of the sudden it became so much more than a 90s throwback:

It became Evan and me talking to Sylvia.

Below, through tears and gasps for air and anger and jealousy and confusion, I have broken down the lyrics and shared the internal “conversation” I have with her whenever this song comes on the radio or into my heart.

I encourage you to listen and/or watch Caleb + Kelsey’s rendition of the song that changed it for me forever:

I’m going to be honest. This is one of the more difficult pieces I’ve shared about my daughter. It is incredibly intimate and exposes a gaping wound that I think some people (ignorantly) believe “should be healed by now”.

But that’s not how grief works.

And that’s certainly not how parenting works.

I write these pieces for myself, but I share them for her, to keep making Sylvia footprints on the earth, and to allow her to keep impacting the lives of others.

Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you That is how I know you, go on

There are few dreams I have without you in them. When you’re there, it is usually in a hospital bed and, as difficult it is to “see” you back in those circumstances, I have a renewed sense of hope.

Then I wake up. And I’m reminded.

And I lose you all over again.

Every night. Every. Single. Night…I close my eyes both terrified I will dream of you, and terrified that I won’t.

Far across the distance, And spaces between us, You have come to show you, go on

There are days when the weight of the physical distance between us is so heavy on my heart that I hardly know how to put one foot in front of the other.

Every purple sunrise and sunset. Every purple flower, sprinkle, or balloon that were unplanned, yet perfectly presented at the right place and at the right time, they stop me in my tracks.

No one knows exactly how it all works except the Creator. Heaven is a party, free from pain and sadness, so I believe you are free from the bondage of the ways of the world. As much as it hurts sometimes, I know you must not see me. How could you witness the depth of my grief and still be free from sadness? I do believe you are excited to see me again, and that while you wait, our God, our Father, loves us both and may intentionally send me little reminders of your current state of bliss and the beauty of our reunion to come.

Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on

I know exactly where you are.

And because I know that, I know that your heart DOES go on, and not the heart that was born from sin, ridden with an illness that would take you from me–but the heart of a saint, washed clean by the blood of Christ, that waits eagerly with Him for me to get Home.

Once more you open the door, And you’re here in my heart and my heart will go on and on

You are present to us, Sylvia. You are not a “was”; you ARE.

You ARE our daughter.

You ARE desperately loved.

You ARE profoundly missed.

You ARE here in my heart.

And that will never change.

Love can touch us one time, And last for a lifetime, And never let go till we’re gone

Your earthly life was short, but there is nothing about the love of a parent that needs a “warm up” period. Parents don’t slowly “fall” in love with their children–at least we didn’t.

You had every nook and cranny of our hearts in an instant.

The amount of time you were here is irrelevant. Even though we did not get your lifetime with you this side of heaven, you, my sweet girl, have ours. We will never go a day without loving and missing you.

Love was when I loved you, One true time I hold to, In my life we’ll always go on

Because of you, your daddy and I had and continue to have the honor of experiencing one of truest and most intense forms of love of which human hearts are capable.

The fight to save you triggered a part of our hearts we otherwise may not have known. I hate that we did not succeed in keeping you here with us, and I wish every second you were here, but you gave us the closest experience of Christ-like love we could ever have in this world.

You have forever altered our perspective on what it means to love and have single-handedly affected the way we approach our relationships with others.

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear, And I know that my heart will go on

The only solace I have is that you are Home, you are free from pain, and I will be there with you. I dread forever without you, but I don’t have to fear eternity without you.

I’ll see you there.

We’ll stay forever this way, You are safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on

Despite the time between us, my love for you will never lessen. You are forever apart of me. And even though the rest of the world keeps spinning, mine stopped the moment you stopped breathing.

My heart is the safest place you could ever be, because it will never, ever give up on you, on your memory, on your legacy.

On the days I wonder if anyone else remembers to say your name, my heart is shouts it.

And while this world, full of Satan’s antics and sadness and pain, tries its very best to make me focus only on the hole your passing has left, I know that you, and all the beauty you were and all the memories we made together, are safe there.

Because I will fight just as hard for you in my heart as I did while you were in my arms.

Always.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m thankful for this version of the song. It is one that most hear as a husband and wife, but I hear it as a mom and a dad.

As my husband and myself.

There are so many things I wish I could tell her, and even though words are usually what I’m good at, sometimes they get stuck. I am so grateful when my tears are louder than my voice, I have found comfort in the artistry of someone else.

I miss you, Sylvia. I love you always.

Thankful for the Tears

Rowan’s front teeth are working their way through his gums.

He is in pain. There has not been much sleep. My arms are rarely without him as they seem to be the only place able to provide even the smallest comfort.

There have been teethers and Tylenol and tears…lots of tears.

And I can’t tell you how many times I stopped today and whispered, “Thank you for these tears.”

The last time I had a child who was cutting teeth, I was not alerted to it by a change in her temperament, appetite, or sleep pattern.

There was no excessive drool, groggy mornings, weird bowel moments, or endless whimpers.

I only knew because the nurse who was cleaning out her mouth to prevent infection told me.

I didn’t do the normal mom thing and automatically stick my finger in a drooly, pink, pouty bottom-lipped mouth to feel around.

I sanitized, put gloves on, opened the pale, still mouth of my baby girl, and felt the tops of her two bottom teeth beginning to break her dry gums.

It is so difficult to see Rowan restless, crying, unhappy and in pain while he teethes.

It is nothing compared to seeing Sylvia on life support, lying in a bed, motionless, voiceless, completely unaware she was even getting teeth.

How did I get here?

How did I get to a point in my life where I rejoice in the physical suffering of my child simply because it means he is here?

Grief and perspective are not mutually exclusive. The loss of a loved one will always evoke some sort of shift in one’s life focus. Some fight against the shift and some embrace it.

As I try every day to do the latter, I actively pray for moments that are heavy with sadness to also bear the fruit of gratefulness.

Today I spent a lot of time angry that something as trivial as teething has become so emotional for me, angry that most parents will never have more than the stereotypical “teething is rough” experience, angry that I never got to see Sylvia’s smile with those two little teeth who were fighting so hard along with the rest of her body.

But I’m also thankful.

I’m thankful for Rowan’s tears.

I’m thankful I get to stay up late and hold him.

I am thankful it is the love of my arms, and not record-setting amounts of sedative, that comfort his pain.

I am thankful I can hear his cry and that his eyes can meet mine when I tell him it is going to be okay.

I get to tell him it’s going to be okay.

I am thankful that some day soon, he will flash me the smile that God copied and pasted from the joy of his big sister in heaven, and I will get a glimpse of what I lost.

I am thankful for the tears.