Every hour I need You

This is one of those nights.

October is filled with many.

Life is filled with too many.

It is past 2 AM.

Here I lay on the couch in the playroom, still in my clothes from the day, teeth not brushed, no blanket or pillow, tears pouring from my eyes, my lungs gasping for breath.

Is this really my life?

Is this still really my life?

Did I really hold my daughter as her heart stopped beating?

Did I really kiss her casket?


The answer is always yes.


Why is this MY LIFE?

Why can’t I hold her?

Smell her?

KNOW her?

Do other parents even know? Know what a blessing it is just to KNOW their children?

This is one of those nights.

One of those nights I sit in anguish and torment.

Wishing for the days I thought were my hardest.

Desperate for the medications, the therapies, the appointments, the dairy allergy, the visiting nurse, the calorie counts, the SAT readings, the worry, the fear.

How messed up is that?

Imiss the fear.

People say it gets easier.

They should stop saying that.

No one in the history of this universe has ever been the mom to my Sylvia except for me.

This is one of those nights.

I think I will always have these nights.

My only comfort is while I know I’ll always have these nights, I know I will always have the promise that I will see her again.

For every tear I shed, for every shallow breath I take, for every flashback that drowns me and question that angers me, my Savior has bled and redeemed.

He has redeemed me from my sin and He will reunite me with my daughter.

Does it still hurt?


It is going to hurt forever.

But it will stop hurting once eternity starts.

I am doing all I can to hold on.

Until then…

“I need you, Lord I need you…Every hour I need you. My one defense, my righteousness. Oh God, how I need you.”